Tales from the Horse's Mouth.

La Roux

Just seen La Roux in Bolton City Centre. She squatted to the pavement and shitted out a revolving golden onion. She then stood up and walked away.

Colleen and Wayne Rooney

Just seen Colleen and Wayne Rooney in a Southend branch of Sainsbury’s, casually projectile vomiting in the biscuit aisle.

Davina McCall

Just seen Davina McCall interrupting a performance of Hamlet in Bromborough by shouting “My testicles are burning! My testicles are burning!”.

The Queen

Just seen Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II hovering vertically around 6cm above a picnic table in Swansea. She slowly began to revolve until she was spinning very fast. Eventually she span herself out of existence and left an acrid odour and a packet of Monster Munch that went out of date in 1994 in her wake.

More celebrity spots coming soon!  

I FUCKING LOVE CAKE AND DUBSTEP

Yesterday I got onto the bus and Tony Blackburn was sitting on the bus and kept shouting things like “I’ve done a fart and you can’t do anything about it,” or “I hope they repeat 14th September 2002 episode of Casualty.”

When we stopped at Ealing Road one man had had enough of it and whipped out a flamethrower from his bag and set fire to Tony Blackburn.

We then realised Tony Blackburn was just a skin suit being controlled by hundreds of little men in green pointed hats.

Scientists at the 1972 Russian Fair have displayed their latest invention, the shit jetpack.

“Basically, you swallow a capsule and within sixteen minutes of consumption you projectile shit and you can travel to lots of places like Norwich or Swansea or whatever takes your fancy.”

Side effects include lactation. 

Next time you’re in store, ask about our range of skeletons from ethnic minorities!

It’s a beautiful Friday morning and I’m going to piss in a grey cup.

After Christmas I sat down at my laptop and intended to make new Chickenyunicorn videos and Tales From The Horse’s Mouth posts, however Justin Bieber foetus grabbed me and we had adventures of yellow 1987 flashing cat gif BBC News man turns round surprised saturation stock image.

One day me and Justin Bieber were hanging out in the park and an old lady said to us “do not go in to spooky wood” but we went anyway and it was really dark and then Justin Bieber said look and we both looked at the same time and it was a giant spider almost as big as that weird kitty with the bad eye and a kid called Brian touched the cat and they had to call his mom anyway so we saw the spider and it said “i will eat you unless you beat me in a singing comp” and Justin Bieber said when and the spider said tomorrow and the next day Justin Bieber was sick so i sang instead and i sang baby and the spider said “noooo” and disappeared and Justin Bieber said “lets go home” so we went home anyway that was my magical journey with Justin Bieber hope you liked it please comment and subscribe lol bye.